It’s 4:55am on Saturday, one of my only days to sleep in … and I’m awake! So what do I do? Like many, I decide to punish myself and make sure I won’t go back to sleep … I start reading Facebook. But then a few minutes later, I am aware of the presence of God … and I’m crying. Tears of joy, love, happiness, anger and frustration. As I was Facebook surfing, I started to read about Vicky Beeching. For those who don’t know her, she is a wonderful song writer, worship leader and child of God who loves Him with all her heart. If you listen to her music, you will feel the heart of the Lord and her love for Him.
Last week, she came out, and let people know she was gay. As I read the articles and the interviews I became more aware of the presence of God, and for an hour, I read and wept.
I cried because I recognized her love for God, and knew it was God who had brought her to this place. I cried because of the struggle she described – that all though her life she had feelings of same-sex attraction, and how she had wrestled every possible way with it – pushing it down, denying it, repenting of it, being delivered from it, trying to accept it, trying to deny it – a life-long roller coaster of up and down, guilt, joy, fear … everything! I cried for joy as I felt God’s love for her, as He led her to the place of being open, honest and transparent with herself … and with Him who already knows everything about her.
Through her wrestling, she came to the place of acceptance of who she is. She understood that God did not have a clipboard with a doctrinal scorecard on it waiting to see if she passed or failed. I saw that all through her journey, He was and is there for her. He has brought her to the place where she can see, love and accept all that she is. She is in Christ Jesus, and there is no condemnation for her. She has been to places inside her soul that few of us go… let alone embrace or tell others about. She has chosen authenticity over not wanting to know, acceptance over rejection, and love instead of fear. As I read her story and felt her heart … she became a hero – a model of authenticity that inspires me.
I also cried as I read the objections, the haters, those that dismissed her as “gone off the deep end”. I cried because many are so fearful of being wrong, that they will attack others to convince themselves that they are right. I get it that there are unanswered questions. That’s ok – questions and wrestling are good, and I have many questions also. I’m sure that Vicky herself has asked those same questions over the years. The difference is that she has walked it out and has come to a greater understanding of who she is and the immensity of God’s love for her. That is an amazing place to be!
Where you lead, I will follow
Each of us have things in our lives that we struggle with, not necessarily the same issues she has, but other things. At the end of the day, she is walking out her faith with fear and trembling. Are we? Do we dare to look into the places in our heart where things are hidden? Will we cry out to God and say, “Lord, I love you so much. Show me where I need to go … I will follow where you lead?”
These last few months the Lord has been taking me on a journey into my own soul, and I have discovered things I could barely admit to myself, never mind share with others. It started when God began to show me I have a destiny, a purpose for which I was created. He showed me that the only way I could discover that destiny was to ask Him to show it to me, and then follow wherever He leads. I can barely comprehend the places he’s showing me. Many times, I have cried out to the Lord and asked Him to stop me if this is not from Him. Each time, I receive reassurance that I’m ok .. just keep going. People give me words or pictures from the Lord – not knowing what I am dealing with, and each time, it’s “steady as she goes.”
Last year, I discovered Arthur Burk’s teachings on the “redemptive gifts” … and it has changed my life. For the first time I understood that I really am fearfully and wonderfully made … exactly the way He intended me to be. I said to Him, “You mean, I’m supposed to feel this way?” As I dig deeper, I discover things that He has given me that are treasures beyond all the riches the world could ever offer. God’s heart is more wonderful, passionate, loving and all-encompassing that I could ever imagine, and He has given me the gift of a very tiny, infinitesimal piece of His heart … and I am totally wrecked. I am so far from perfect, but that He has chosen to show me the smallest part of how much He loves people is changing my life. There is no stinginess, or lack, or conditionality or tentativeness to His love. It is extravagant, overflowing and when you see it, you are ruined for anything less.
I used to be scared of people that were “not like us”. I used to be comfortable in my safe little Christian nest where all is secure and protected. God is taking me to places and people who I would have avoided in the past – just because I didn’t understand them … nor want to. Now, He is connecting me to LGBT people – people who are wonderful, loving, understanding, passionate and full of life. Unfortunately, the enemy of our souls has deceived us, and we (the church) have become the obstacle to them knowing the Father’s love. We have no idea what they feel or go through because we do not walk in their shoes. It one thing to pontificate on the rightness of a position when you have no affinity with it. It’s quite another to see the pain in someone’s heart who has been rejected by their family, friends, society and the church – the one place where they should be safe to experience God’s unconditional love.
My heart is both full and broken. I weep for joy at His love, and in sorrow for the pain and hurt. As the Lord takes me to those deeper places, all I can do is admire, respect and love those who have the courage to go where they have never gone before.
Once we start that journey, we are compelled to finish it – no matter where it might lead, and no matter what people may think. God is my first love, and in fear and trembling, by His grace, I will follow where He leads. We may not agree with the path someone chooses, but I know that God is overjoyed when someone chooses to follow him, no matter the cost.
To read more about Vicki Beeching, Check out the links page at vickybeeching.com